Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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