normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
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