tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
