You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
How external is "for external use only"?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
pray to the hookup gods
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
