please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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