Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
