I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Hippo gnu deer
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
