Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
