Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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