Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
