I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
