DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
