Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
