So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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