I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Randomize
