So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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