you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
