lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
