My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
