Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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