so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
