well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You dont lie about slip and slides
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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