I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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