____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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