I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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