A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
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