idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
