I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
