I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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