I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
