yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
