he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
