you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
