In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
