It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
