im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
