I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
