My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
