woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
