I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
