I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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