Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
