why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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