If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
it hurts more in the daytime
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
