Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I need a burrito and a hug.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
