No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i drank out of a bidet.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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