Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
