I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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