Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
