I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
