I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
