Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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